Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
