At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
