Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
