my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
