i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
