He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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