I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
