Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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