neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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