"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
