wanna go halves on a baby?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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