Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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