I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
