At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
