Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
