So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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