Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
A bitchslap is in order.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
