Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
