I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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