no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
third nipple confirmed
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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