and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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