He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
