who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
