I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
