This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
