I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
