I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
