Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
