I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
