We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
