Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
