I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
