Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
