i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
