2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
