Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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