Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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