i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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