Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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