i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Randomize
