I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
