____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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