Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My feet surprised me
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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