This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I've blown a few things in my day
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
They took my balls.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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