i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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