the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
