Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
