When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
