his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
