So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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