You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
